In secure attachments, we are comfortable with the intimacy and the independence we experience within the relationship. There is mutual trust and empathic energy, which helps the relationship thrive. And while no relationship is perfect, in a secure attachment relationship, healthy communication patterns trump negative energy. Here we have stable, satisfying relationships where couples communicate effectively, handle conflict with maturity and support the needs and desires of their partners without become enmeshed.

In Anxious attachments, one, both, or more (I see you throuples and polycules!) members of the relationship crave closeness and have a higher fear of imagined abandonment. People with anxious attachments tend to be more emotionally intense and sensitive to relationship threats, real or perceived. Anxiously attached people often seek constant reassurance and may appear clingy or overly dependent. They fear rejection and may overanalyze their partner’s behavior. This attachment style may stem from inconsistent caregiving, where affection and attention were unpredictable, leading to a child becoming hyper-sensitive to perceived mood changes.

In Avoidant attachments, one, both, or more members of the relationship struggle with over-the-top emotion. They value independence over intimacy and can appear emotionally distant. This doesn’t mean they don’t want intimacy, but mental barriers or blocks may keep them from engaging more intimately in a relationship. An avoidant person may appear to even minimize the importance of relationships, but at the core, avoidant individuals actually do value relationships, they just struggle with opening up and/or committing for fear of losing their autonomy and fearing a potential betrayal. This attachment style is often linked to caregivers that were emotionally avoidant themselves, appearing unavailable or dismissive, leading to an individual learning to rely on themselves and avoiding vulnerability.

And last but certainly not least, we have the Fearful-Avoidant Attchment style. These are the “thats scary, gonna avoid it” types. They desire intimacy but fear it all the same. They struggle with trust and emotional regulation. Often highly anxious, they are caught in a type of push-pull dynamic. Fearful-avoidant individuals can seem hot and cold—yearning for closeness but sabotaging it when it arrives. This style is typically associated with unresolved trauma or neglect and often experienced inconsistency in caregiving like the anxious attachment.

So how do we secure up?!? Well, good news! Attachment styles can change, over time, and with different relationships. They aren’t fixated. Through self-awareness, therapy, and healthy relationships, many people move toward a more secure attachment over time—a process called earned security.

Key practices for growth include:

• Building emotional literacy

• Developing self-soothing skills

• Practicing open and honest communication

• Choosing secure and supportive partners

Just remember, attachment styles aren’t about blaming our past and they aren’t for excusing our behavior in relationships—they're about understanding our patterns so we can make more intentional choices. By recognizing your attachment style and that of your partner, you can cultivate more empathy, reduce conflict, and deepen your connection. Healthy love starts with self-awareness. Whether you're navigating your own style or learning how to support someone else's, embracing this framework can open the door to stronger, more fulfilling relationships.