Intercourse Vs Outercourse

04/18/25

For many people, the word “sex” is synonymous with INtercourse—typically defined as vaginal or anal penetration. But this narrow definition excludes a wide range of intimate experiences that are equally valid, satisfying, and important. It also negates the real experiences of individuals who do not practice penetrative sex due to orientation, religious beliefs, health concerns, or simply because they don’t want to. Enter: OUTercourse.

While often overlooked or misunderstood, outercourse offers a broader, more inclusive view of what sexual connection can look like. Understanding the distinction between intercourse and outercourse opens up new possibilities for pleasure and connection.

While intercourse can be pleasurable and meaningful, many people feel pressured to prioritize it, even when it’s not what they want, need, or enjoy the most. Framing intercourse as the default or only “real” sex can also exclude those who don’t enjoy penetration, have penetration pain, are on the ACE Spectrum, want to reduce STI risks, are healing from trauma, are LGBTQ+, and those who simply choose to engage in other forms of sex

So what is OUTercourse? Well, it’s in the name. It refers to non-penetrative sexual activities that can be just as intimate, erotic, and pleasurable as intercourse. It includes, and includes a lot more variety than INtercourse:

  • Kissing and cuddling

  • Oral sex

  • Manual stimulation (hand jobs, mutual masturbation)

  • Dry humping or grinding

  • Erotic massage

  • Sensual touch and role play

  • Using sex toys externally

  • Shared fantasies or dirty talk

Outercourse centers around exploration, communication, and connection—often without the pressure or risks associated with intercourse. It encourages creativity and allows people to tune in to what actually feels good, rather than what they’ve been told is “supposed” to happen. So why are we making a big hoopla over it? Because it matters!

Outercourse is inclusive. It validates diverse sexual experiences. It expands the definition of intimacy for people of all orientations, genders, and bodies. Queer, disabled, or ace individuals, for example, may find that outercourse better reflects their authentic desires.

Outercourse is safer. For individuals who may not want to spread an STI they already have, or contract one at all, or for those who enjoy casual sex, thus leading to multiple partners, practicing outercourse is a good pathway. Because it avoids penetration, outercourse significantly reduces the risk of pregnancy and STIs (though not completely! There is still some risk). It’s a valuable option for people practicing safer sex, abstinence, or just not ready for intercourse.

Outercourse encourages communication! There is no predictable script to follow. No sexual recipe. And because outercourse is so encompassing, you have to talk! But that’s great. This will foster a deeper emotional connection and greater awareness of personal boundaries and preferences within your partnership.

Outercourse can deepen pleasure. How? By removing the goal of penetration and/or orgasm, outercourse allows people to focus on sensory pleasure, presence, and experimentation. It shifts sex from performance to play, from goal oriented, or pleasure seeking.

Reframing sex to include both intercourse and outercourse allows for more freedom, less pressure, and deeper intimacy. It empowers individuals and couples to define sex on their own terms—whether that’s slow, sensual touch or something more playful and adventurous.

Ultimately, the most important question isn't “Did you have sex?” but rather, “Did you feel connected, respected, and satisfied?” There’s no one right way to be intimate. Whether you're into intercourse, outercourse, or somewhere in between, what matters most is that it feels good, safe, and consensual for you.