Responsive Desire Vs Spontaneous Desire
04/25/25
We all know about “Hollywood Sex.” The kind of sex we see in the movies that stems from that single steamy look that two on-screen characters give each other that appears to seamlessly flip a light switch, and before you know it, they are crashing into things and ripping each others clothes as they hungrily devour each other into blissful, amazing sex.
A whole lot of bullshit if I do say so myself. Not that it NEVER happens, it’s just not the norm. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that women only experience spontaneous desire 30% of the time. Another study from 2015 in the Journal of Sex Research found that over time, responsive desire becomes more common in men and women in longer-term relationships. Has anyone heard of the “roommate phase”?
Spontaneous desire is just not sustainable. The shift from spontaneous desire to responsive desire is a normal and healthy evolution of sexual connection between partners. You aren’t meant to have butterflies fluttering for years and years.
BUT WAIT! I’m throwing around words like you are supposed to know them! What exactly is RESPONSIVE DESIRE?
Let’s start with the obvious one. Spontaneous desire is what most people traditionally think of as “normal” arousal. It arises seemingly out of nowhere—like a mental spark that kicks off physical arousal. It’s the butterflies in the tummy feeling, the urgent and automatic desire for your partner. It’s often associated with NRE, New Relationship Energy. You remember those days right? When all you could think about was going to pound town at every minute with your partner. And yes, even know, it can still happen. People with spontaneous desire often feel turned on before any sexual activity starts. They might initiate sex more often but also feel frustrated if their partner doesn’t “match” that energy.
Responsive desire, on the other hand, emerges in response to physical touch, emotional connection, or contextual cues. It’s not missing—it just needs a little warm-up. Emily Nagoski, author of “Come As you Are” and “Come Together” actually attunes responsive desire to turning on the oven to get it ready for baking cookies.
The idea of responsive desire was actually developed by Dr. Rosemary Basson back in the early 2000s. Dr. Basson was the Director of the University of British Columbia BC Sexual Medicine Program, where she pioneered women’s need for intimacy and the idea that we can RESPOND to sexual stimuli and GET AROUSED. We don’t have to be already aroused to engage in sexual acts. Responsive desire occurs after physical or emotional intimacy begins. And when accepted and celebrated as a means to achieve intimacy, it can be tied to a sense of feeling safe, connected, and relaxed.
Responsive desire is NOT low desire. It’s just different. How can we support responsive desire?
Start with intimacy, not pressure. Think of desire as something that grows, not something that must appear first.
Create the right context. Reduce distractions, build emotional connection, and prioritize relaxation.
Redefine “in the mood.” You don’t have to feel like having sex to want to explore closeness—you can be open to desire even if it hasn’t shown up yet.
Talk about it. Understanding each other’s arousal patterns can make intimacy less confusing and more collaborative.
Keep that cauldron warm! I often tell clients that “foreplay” starts when sex ends. Send each other sexy memes, touch the small of their back, do the 6-second kiss before leaving to work, speak your partner’s love language even if it sounds foreign to you!